Julia #OFFSCENE about why Pokémon NEED their own musical

Listen… SpongeBob SquarePants got his own musical. So, why the hell not?

Full disclosure, I grew up utterly obsessed with Pokémon. I would get the games, the cards, and even some of the action figures. I stopped investing in my collection around high school because I felt the pressure to “grow up” and focus on academics a bit more. BUT I have since rekindled my love.

If you don’t know what Pokémon are, allow me to explain:

source  ash ketchum

source ash ketchum

Pokémon are creatures with elemental powers (i.e. fire, water, grass, etc.) that a person called a trainer can capture with a device called a Pokéball. You train them by battling other Pokémon so that they become stronger. Some people might argue that this is some sort of animal abuse, but I think it’s not. It’s actually a better way of life for the Pokémon. They evolve into stronger versions of themselves. None of them die from battling, they are actually really smart, and can even understand humans.

Now, I envision Pokémon: The Musical as more of an Off-Broadway, fan-made comedy musical.

We would have the main character, Ash Ketchum, as the star of the show. He and the whole cast would be played by performers of Asian descent (since the anime is created by a Japanese team).

The other characters from the Pokémon world would come in and ask Ash some serious questions that we (the fandom) have been wondering about for the past 20 years.

We got questions, Ash…

1.  Why are you still 10 years old after
22 years?
I ain’t good at math, but that don’t add up!

2.  Why do you meet every goddamn
Legendary Pokémon?

3.   Are you the son of Ho-Oh?

4.   Is Mr. Mime your stepdad?

You know, stuff like that is what keeps me up at night. Fans have a lot of burning questions, and we need answers! Why not provide them with some sick tunes while you’re at it?

I think it would be great if the Pokémon creators could help out with the project, so that we could get some explanations. But I also worry that could risk killing the the mystery and glamour that pulled me into what is probably the best childhood fantasy you can ask for.

God, the ‘90s, what a time to be alive.

I’m not about to pretend that the new Pokémon Detective Pikachu movie trailer didn’t conjure up this desire for a musical:

That said, Ryan Reynolds as Pikachu is a turnoff. I know, I know, the guy is a Canadian treasure, but hear me out. I was expecting the voice of Pikachu to sound like a little boy because my brain is just so used to hearing this cute pika-pika voice. But in the trailers I only hear the thirty-something voice of Ryan Reynolds and it still hasn’t clicked for me that he and Pikachu are now one and the same. It’s a mental thing, I guess.

I’m also pretty mortified that most of the Pokémon aren’t as glammed up as their anime counterparts in the movie. Pikachu is a little too furry for my taste.

The costumes for my live stage musical fantasy would probably be horrendous as well. I mean, you can’t emulate a Pokémon to a T, because Pokémon range from the size of pigeon to a freakin’ elephant.

(Unless this is done years from now and there are technological advancements for state-of-the-art holograms or perfect robots that are not a million dollars.)

Otherwise, we can try out some inflatable costumes. I guess coming out in onesies would suffice, too. Idk, I’m not a director. I just really want a magical Pikachu dance number and solo!

We absolutely need the OG sidekicks, Brock and Misty, and then all the other girls Ash traveled with could be in the messiest love-octagon of all time. A love story set to the tune of “Who do you choose?”

Then Ash would get overwhelmed and say:


“Pikachu, I Choose You!”

Corny, I know. Sue me.

The musical would also include the iconic original theme song and the Team Rocket motto. You know Team Rocket’s gotta be in it no matter how annoying they are in the anime series. They’re a necessary evil.

And how could I ever forget the legends:

This could be a train wreck, I admit that. But I want to be sent back to the memories of little ol’ me sitting 10 inches away from the TV as I watched the 3 pm lineup on Cartoon Network at my grandmother’s house after she picked me up from school. I want to recall all those years of pestering my parents to buy me a Nintendo DS so I could catch the Pokémon myself. Funny, I had a fight with my mom on Black Friday because I said I was planning to buy a Pokémon game and she said I needed to grow up and stop indulging in “this crap”. I mean, one of people who worked on some of the Pokémon designs in the movie was an avid fan who was discovered by the film's production designer after seeing some of his artwork on DeviantArt.

This world is based on capitalism and people will pay for what they like. And it just so happens lots of people like cartoons and video games. Get over it, mom.