Q: Are you the douchebag in this theatre?

5 Questions to Ask Yourself

Sometimes we all need to sit down and reevaluate our actions, behaviors, and lives. At the theatre, this sort of introspection is important not only because it determines if people write mean things about you on the internet or not, but also because it makes sure that everyone has a good time at the show. To guide you through this process of introspection, I’ve put together this short list of questions to ask yourself so you can be the kind of theatregoer that no one makes listicles about. 

1.    Is your phone out right now? 
It’s an addiction. Like a smoker who must take a smoke break, a compulsive phone-checker must unlock their phone 17 times an hour even if is just to perform the completely illogical task of locking it again. To do this in most public places is completely fine, but to do this in a dark theatre where people have worked hard to put on a show for you...Let's not. Wait, what was that? Your phone makes a little tinkling sound every time its locked or unlocked, too? Come on, Susan, you’re better than this!  

2.    Are you thinking about charging your phone right now?
Suuuuuusaaaaan. No, you cannot ask the usher to put your phone to charge, this is a theater, not a bar. No, you cannot plug it in and sit by the wall while you play Candy Crush on your iPad to pass the time. No, no, NO.

3.    Have you just taken your shoes off?
Sure, you paid $14.76 to enjoy a unique show in this theatre for 2 hours, but do you really believe this musty 30-seat basement theatre is the right place to "let your feet breathe"? Susan, please, not here. 


4.    Are you eating a hotdog right now?
Susan, there has to be a reason why concession stands sell only alcohol and candy and only some allow audiences to consume them during the show. I don’t know for sure but I have a feeling it’s because you chew loudly with your mouth open and have already stained this antique velvet-upholstered seat with mustard. Also, what about your cabbage soup diet??? 

5.    Are you falling asleep…On me? 
In our time = money society it can be difficult to find time to catch up on sleep so I totally understand nodding off during a monotonous monologue… But falling asleep on a stranger’s shoulder during the first ten minutes? What’s happened to you, Susan?